Friends

And once again, its the end of another year and I suppose it time to re-examine where exactly I'm heading these days. Although that's not being entirely honest as to the reason for self-reflection. A good friend of mine has been going through some challenging times lately so to speak and has been doing some introspection herself. I really admire the courage and gusto she has had in pushing herself into new experiences and making decisions to change her life (or at this point seriously contemplating them) and following her dreams. More so because I'm afraid of change, and I find it invigorating and amazing how they can make a leap of faith to transform their circumstances, determined to push forward even if that means leaving that which is familiar.

I guess its brought up a lot of things for me. Since leaving for Melbourne, I have always tried to push myself to step outside my comfort zone, to try and become something more, something better. And so in this coming year I have to confront two things which both excite me but have me hesitating. I'm really looking forward to doing my elective in Japan, somewhere I've wanted to visit for so many years. But seeing how much people have changed after their experiences travelling and studying overseas, I'm a bit conflicted. As much as I'm afraid of change, especially when I fear I might become someone unrecognizeable to my current self, I want more. I almost envy the experiences others have had, that broadening of one's perspective of the world.

But yet I know thats how things go. Compared to a few years ago I've become so much more independant and my entire sense of self has evolved. I used to have such diffulty in defining who I was. For the majority of my life, I was only able to identify myself as violinist, a musician. That was my sole defining feature that I clung to for years on end. But that seemed to be left by the wayside and now I don't even have a violin anymore. For a time, I thought I could identify with my interest in martial arts, but having made so little progress with it after so many years, I feel more like a childish boy who trails on the heels of adults and comically tries to emulate them in the hope of seeming grown up.

And so that leaves me as a medical student, a soon to be doctor, which leads me to my second dilemna. Where to practice as an intern. I know moving back to Sydney is the logical choice for family, for career, for relationships, but I'm hesitant. I feel like I've grown up in Melbourne, there I'm an adult. But here in Sydney I'm not the same, I'm something less. I feel that especially around my family, living at home. I get so frustrated here, so often I just want to scream. I know that if I come back to Sydney I can't stay here with my family... They just don't get me, they don't understand anything at all. While they may support me financially, emotionally theres a void. They have such a narrow perspective and lack all insight that might allow them to support me. But instead, I feel pushed to become even more independant, to rely only on myself, to isolate myself.

I've been telling myself all these years that when I moved back to Sydney I would make amends for missing all those birthdays and events of all my friends, that I woould renew friendships and links. But even when I've been here, I've hardly seen any of those friends in years. I realse that I'm one of those crappy people who are terrible at maintaining friendships. If I don't come across people regularly at school or work nothing happens. Even with facebook, I follow my friends, but I just don't have much to say. As much as I want to keep up with my friends... I just don't know what to say...

I don't know what to do...

Something has to change.

ugh!
estou aqui de novo. e nao quero usar os acentos quando escrevo.
ugh ugh ugh!
odeio todos os homens agora!
oficialmente!

a semana passada, Luc começou a pensar que estava 'cheating' lhe.
ok, aqui esta, eu 'cheated' lhe uma vez, e ele nao sabe dissa vez! ele pensa que eu 'cheated' lhe numa casa de banho publico em hornsby um dia. O QUE FODA?!
entao, ele enviou uma mensagem a todos os meus amigos quem tem encontrado, que disse "Oh by the way, Geof e um prostituta e foda cada homem que encontra. MAS NAO QUERO DIZER OS DETALHES PORQUE ESTOU MELHOR QUE ISSO!"
que um cabrao!
odeio-o agora! ele pode ir a foder a sua mae na cu por tudo que me importo!

anyways, penso que o meu portugues melhora-se estes dias. mas so quando escrevo, nao quando o falo.
preciso de estudar mais do vocabulario. conheco da gramatica portuguesa, mas nao conheco muitas palavras a usar! rs!
e preciso de conhecer mais palavras como 'cool' e 'great' etc Interjections! interjeicoes e exclamacoes.
mas nao os do brasil, mas portugal.

esta noite, cozinhei beef stirfry, sem riz, e penso que foi demasiado carne haha

anyways, isso e toda da minha 'rant' para a semana!
ate logo a tudo!
tchau xox

Seirei no Moribito Tegaki
(click for full)

Waha when did I last draw an SNM picture? It's been long time. X')
Ok no comment about anatomy lol, but I still love Tanda. TDT

ICH MUSS MEHR LESEN !!!

No more (=less) internet shit, drawing waste of time etc etc.

Auch wenn Skripten drücken und englische Bücher mich zu Tode langweilen...
dann lese ich eben ein deutsches Buch !! =_=

Umg I think I'm addicted to Grafitti, this drawing application on facebook.
Here are some things I drew, sorry I can't draw better, I'm quite hopeless with digital painting actually. -_-

Hey but it was fun! xD



Hitsugaya for shinorin.



Haku for me... I LOVE Spirited Away, or better Haku, umg I can't sleep... =_="

Yesterday I watched the movie Sakuran, it's about Japanese courtesans in Edo time and this movie was so good, omg I totally fell in love with Masanobu Ando !! O_o Umg he is sooo my dreamman, at least in the movie. XD
Aw I appreciate those costume movies so much, both western and eastern. Whenever I see historical clothings I just get goosebumps !! I am sure people would think I am crazy if I told them... but it's the truth. T_T

I don't know it anyone knows the movie "One Thousand Years of Love" (The Tale of Genji), it's a lose movie adaption of the novel. The costumes and actors and just everything in this movie is pure beauty, even Genji, lol he is played by a woman, but she is sooo beautiful and manly, seriously, I would become lesbian for her!! It has become one of my fav movies but it's probably quite a movie only women would appreciate though...

WATCH this clip on youtube as preview if you are addicted to eastern beauty as well ! (If you are going to watch the movie better not finish watching this videos)

It feels almost wrong when I wake up and have nothing I need to do. It doesn't feel right, and even though its 7am and I'm still tired I can never get back to sleep. Great start to the holidays eh.

Tadaima